Romance!!

The season to be romantic?? Well its Christmas time and i don't know whether its sheer coincidence or some divine plan that I find myself watching romantic movies yet again around this time of the year. And boy what a beautiful thing romance can be, what a beautiful thing beauty is. I have long known that there is not going to be romance in my life in the typical sense of the word. I mean a boy meets girl, boy falls over girl, boy trying to woo that girl and then finally the gril falling over the boy kind of romance. And that is always going to be missed. For romance is more than just an emotion. It is a vision, it is an idea of all that is and all that can be beautiful in life. It is one of those things which makes one smile foolishly. It is something which needs an un cynical and i guess a foolish heart. But there is still hope. The hope is to find someone who will make all these dreams at least partially come true. The hope is to find someone with whom watching such movies, listening to romantic songs becomes the truly memorable moments of life.

4th in a row!!

Diwali time again. And it is becoming bit of a ritual to sit alone in the night, away from home, on this rather beautiful day and trying to pen some thoughts. A ritual that isn't something to be happy about. And tonight it seems even the thoughts are on a strike. So much inside at times and such desires to express but not a trickle willing to come out on the blog. Hazaaron Khwaahishein Aisi.. So what should I write this diwali. Lets begin with things I want to change and change rather quickly. And the list has become pretty clear actually. Job has to change as has to city. Singlehood has to change. Yeah that one is a pain at times. It would have been nice to have had that someone. I know I have covered this before but damn the longing doesnt ease!! How I wish for some magical moments with some magical person. And how I wish to be back in Kolkata. I know not the best flow of thoughts but just penning the top of the mind things. I so miss my family, esp my mom. I feel so proud of her and the way she brought us up. I look around at other parents, other families and I realise that it is so precious to have parents who made you value independence, respect, integrity, love, compassion more than other meaningless things in life. Parents who always insisted on the bigger picture. I will write a post on my mom some time.
But anyways coming back to Diwali and this post. What do I say. As i wrote last year (if i remmeber correctly), this is the FESTIVAL of the year. And to be spending it away from home for the 4th year now is such a sad thing. Almost dont remember the last special diwali. Chalo thn.. thots have completely dried. All I can say is Happy Diwali to all those who love and wish to be loved!!

Sunday night blues!!

And sometimes somethings penetrate the multiple layers and hit your soul directly. They move so effortlessly and seamlessly, circumvent what is not important, destroy what is but an illusion, and finally make their way to "the core". And then they make you realise so many different things. And i'd say life is richer due to such things, such moments. For it is them that make you take stock of things that you hadn't for a long time.

Random Re dux

For life moves in circles. If one just steps aside from the hustle bustle, one would see the constant flow of this gigantic, unending river. One might see waterfalls, rapids, the great plunges, the great thaws, the meandering and circling motion towards its destinations but what one would definitely also notice the sense of continuity and deja vu in its journey.

Random

He fought. Oh yes he fought a battle everyday. Life was not easy for him. It wasn't a constant chain of morning and nights, it wasn't a sequence of meaningless, monotonous days for him. He wasn't as blessed (or was it cursed) as others. Life for him was a leap of faith on a daily basis. It was a whole new game, a game in which he did not know the rules, he did know the opponents, not the challenges, not the threats. All he knew was the objective- survival. And this was something that he had known for as long as he could remember.

...

do pal to saath baith mere, kuch baatein kar le

tanha hoon main bhi, tanha hai tu bhi

toh kya jo kuch naya nahi hai kehne sun ne ko

khamoshi aur wakt toh saath hai apne!!

God damn!!

Again feel like writing something. Its been a strange day. The mood has so suddenly shifted from happy to sad. The sudden realisation of something has, like always, been too difficult to deal with. God damn is the word that is circling in my head right now!!

What I have left behind so far!!

Its one of those nights when Gahzals seem like the best gift to makind!! What pure magic there is in some of those writers, those singers!! Gosh I so wish I could create music. Really. Wouldnt it have been wonderful to play a violin or strum a guitar to push away some of the blues of life!! Anyways, as I sit or rather lie here, I get this strange urge. I want to make a list of some of those things that I have left behind as I have made this journey so far!! I want to recollect some of those things that were once a part of my being in some ways and that are now largely forgotten or vanished!! So lets see what I have left behind so far.

1. Left behind a very precious friend. As I sit here listening to a song that reminds me of him all the time, I think of him. I think of those faint images that I have in my mind. I think of those times that we spent together. I know I don't give it much thought on a daily or even a weekly, monthly basis, but boy do I miss him some times!! And I know its a possibility that we may not have been such good friends were he around till now but then still.. It was a good time that we had man!! Peace!!
2. I have left behind some or may be a lot of innocence. Now its not that I have become a world weary, battle worn cynic or something. I still can see the beauty in nature and I still can die for some of these songs!! But some where something has been left behind. May be its just growing up. Its just the nostalgia of those by gone years. Who knows!!
3. Carelessness. Yeah thats something that has definitely been left behind. Again a function of growing up I know. But it was nice to be in school and to bother about nothing more than going to school next day. Life gets more complicated doesn't it.
4. I miss the time when I was not aware of money, social status, consumerism etc etc. I know I am not one of those super ambitious or super materialistic type of a guy and that I am not bothered by my current situation but damn!! I will write something on this later for sure

Well I guess the bottom line is that everyone else I miss my childhood, my school days!! But its ok i guess. I hope that a corner of my heart will always have space for these finer emotions and memories and that as an old man, I would be able to recollect some of these things and still have that bitter sweet agony in my heart!!

Memories for a life time!!

Well my last post I guess was inspired by some of the photos that I saw while browsing through a friends FB profile. Today yet again I am writing because of the same reason. I just browsed through the photos of some random friend's friend's photos on FB. IIT Madras is where he is from. I flipped through his album and saw some expected photos; photos that all of us have.. Him and his friends at a hill station, at Goa, some random clicks from his hostel life!! And even though I don't know this guy, it was a strange sort of pleasure to go through those pics. I guess since I was not there and neither people I know, I looked at those moments in a very detached or neutral manner. All I observed were happy faces, memories of a time of their lives which they will never probably get to live again. Photos that I am sure would make them smile and their hearts ache when they see it later in their lives. And then I started thinking about my "best days". Well its a good trick that one's memory plays with one. I guess we all remember the good times much more then we remember the not so good ones. And I for one, only have fond memories of my life so far. As I was going through those pics, I started thinking about some of my past memories. The thought began with St. Lawrence. 2 years at that place and I don't remember much honestly. I don't remember most of my classmates, don't remember the teachers who taught me, don't even remember the guy who sat next to me (gosh I am suddenly so surprised!!) But what I do remember or rather the image that I do have of that time, is that of a morning in the school's ground. It is a winter morning and we are standing there basking in the sun light and having innocent smiles on our faces. The background sounds are all irrelevant, the only audible sounds are those of our laughters and bakar!! And then I start thinking some more. I think of the campus, the road to the school, the corridors.. :) :) And then the memory straight away jumps to SCMHRD. SXC is left somewhere I guess!! And what do I write about SCM. What does one write about a phase of life which one still hasn't gotten over. I sometimes wish I could just turn back time and go back to that place. I so wish I could sit on that ledge in front of the juice shop and just feel the cool wind on my face. Just sit there on those cold beautiful sunny mornings and take in all the goodness of life, all the goodness of mother earth, loose myself in those silences, click a thousand mental pictures, store the moments in some magical way!! How i wish!!

But then I realise that I don't even have the pics from that time. So many have all their memories so beautifully cataloged, photos arranged in an orderly chronological manner accompanied by small footnotes, which instantly take them back to those moments. But I don't have anything like that. Obviously I have pics but they are all here and there. I sometimes feel wouldn't it have been nice if I had been more methodical at that time. Wouldn't I have succeeded then in preserving so many more memories. But then I am strange. Sometimes I don't understand myself!!

But yes today once again I think how would I age. Would I still remember those times so fondly or would I wear out!! Would I have grown out of my child like innocence or would I always carry that sweetly aching feeling!! Would I remember the people who were there or would I move on!! But one thing is for sure.. It sure is going to be once heck of a feeling when I look back at some of those pics and revisit some of those memories in the future!!

I so wanna..

So once again the urge to write has become sufficiently strong to nudge me out of my lethargy. There are so many times when I feel that I should write something. Something that I would be happy after writing, something which chronicles the life and times of me at this stage of my life. Something that I will be happy to read later in my life when I am not a bachelor, not a kid living a strangely happy life with his roommates cum best friends. And yes I do reflect on these times even now as I am living them. Don't know if its strange or weird but I do feel grateful at times for having had a chance to experience peace. But today the trigger of my expressions is going through the album of my friend Dev and going through the pics that he clicked when he was in J&K. The pictures were all good to my untrained eyes but that is not what hit me. What i started thinking is gosh there are so many things that I could/should/wanna do. (now i am not someone looking for some grand escape from life.. Nah, not until now).

I so wanna travel and have this one vacation. A vacation of which I have thought for such a long time now that its not even funny. I so wanna go to the mountains. To sit and just see the sunset, the sunrises, the people, the absence of them. Its almost crazy because the vision is so surreal that I am not even sure that a vacation like that exists.. But i do wanna pack my bags and go for a week with just 2 of my friends.

I so wanna gym. I so wanna have a leaner, fitter body. Six packs someone!! But I really wanna wrk out and wrk out hard. Now i know its not as grand as a vacation or something and that If i so want it I can easily get it but still..

I so wanna settle down professionally. I have felt like a student all over again this last one month. I have not had the peace to read, to just relax and let my hair down. Its not that I am unhappy or something but its just the realisation that I can't wrk in the current job forever which kills me. And I know that the day I find a job and the day I move out of Chennai is going to be a rather sad one. For I will be saying bye to some people who are more than friends to me..

I so wanna let my parents know how special they are to me.. I may not be able to tell them when I speak but boy do I love them!!

Are there other things that I want to do.. Become more religious, do some social work.. May be fall in love as well :P