Long time it's been

Writing (or trying to write) after a long time.. And unlike most other times, this was not even planned. In fact, its 2.45 in the night and i am just surfing through random videos on you tube, something that I have done a lot this week. Currently listening to the song Aa Bhi Jaa from the movie Sur. Like the song. What to write. No strong emotions currently. Just a sense of flux. God knows for how long have I had this feeling. Its funny actually how differently you can view things. When I look at the last few years of my life, I can clearly see three things which have given me anxiety at different points in time. (Maine dil se kaha from Rog now). The first one was that which was beautiful in a bitter sweet manner. The incomplete experience of my life. And what an experience. I guess I will always remember it. It all seems such a distant memory now but boy can I still remember some of those moments!! The second one, infinitely more mundane but definitely more important has been my job. Sometimes I wonder, what am I doing. What is in store for me. I guess most people who are working think about it in some way or the other but I really sometimes feel as if I am just sailing in an unknown ocean not knowing what port is my ship finally going to anchor at. Am I going to remain in Chennai for a long time, would I return to Kolkata, would I become a part of some big company, will my pay increase, will I feel that I am doing something truly kick ass, will I become rich. Who knows. But yes, I have found myself asking this question a few times recently, Rohit Jain, what are you doing with your life?? And not necessarily in a very harsh manner but more out of this feeling that am I doing justice to my potential (and what exactly is that is also something that I dont know). 

The third thing is again somewhat similar to the first thing. Whom will I get to marry. Damn, has it been depressing so far. Looking at so many profiles, going through so many bio data, getting stuck and not making any progress. Shit, I really feel scared. And it is not because I am scared of .. Again, too late in the night.. And dont feel like writing any more. Anyways, hope something clicks and makes me feel more at peace!!

After a long time and not the best way!!

Terrible day. That's what I have been repeating in my mind today. And indeed feel terrible right now. Its funny how something which is not even a part of your life can have such a deep impact on your immediate psyche. Don't remember the last time I felt so deprived (if that's the right word). And god damn it. Its ridiculous. Here is a person whom I haven't even spoken to till now, whom I know only by her photo and still the latest development makes me feel like a terrible loser. Again after so many years, i find myself repeating the words 'if only'. Again I find myself wondering what if the other possibility would have happened. I really feel pained right now. It's funny when I analyse it myself but can't help it. Shit!! Fuck. Don't even have a person that I can speak to right now and who will make me feel better. What has life got in store. We'll see!! What else.

Romance!!

The season to be romantic?? Well its Christmas time and i don't know whether its sheer coincidence or some divine plan that I find myself watching romantic movies yet again around this time of the year. And boy what a beautiful thing romance can be, what a beautiful thing beauty is. I have long known that there is not going to be romance in my life in the typical sense of the word. I mean a boy meets girl, boy falls over girl, boy trying to woo that girl and then finally the gril falling over the boy kind of romance. And that is always going to be missed. For romance is more than just an emotion. It is a vision, it is an idea of all that is and all that can be beautiful in life. It is one of those things which makes one smile foolishly. It is something which needs an un cynical and i guess a foolish heart. But there is still hope. The hope is to find someone who will make all these dreams at least partially come true. The hope is to find someone with whom watching such movies, listening to romantic songs becomes the truly memorable moments of life.

4th in a row!!

Diwali time again. And it is becoming bit of a ritual to sit alone in the night, away from home, on this rather beautiful day and trying to pen some thoughts. A ritual that isn't something to be happy about. And tonight it seems even the thoughts are on a strike. So much inside at times and such desires to express but not a trickle willing to come out on the blog. Hazaaron Khwaahishein Aisi.. So what should I write this diwali. Lets begin with things I want to change and change rather quickly. And the list has become pretty clear actually. Job has to change as has to city. Singlehood has to change. Yeah that one is a pain at times. It would have been nice to have had that someone. I know I have covered this before but damn the longing doesnt ease!! How I wish for some magical moments with some magical person. And how I wish to be back in Kolkata. I know not the best flow of thoughts but just penning the top of the mind things. I so miss my family, esp my mom. I feel so proud of her and the way she brought us up. I look around at other parents, other families and I realise that it is so precious to have parents who made you value independence, respect, integrity, love, compassion more than other meaningless things in life. Parents who always insisted on the bigger picture. I will write a post on my mom some time.
But anyways coming back to Diwali and this post. What do I say. As i wrote last year (if i remmeber correctly), this is the FESTIVAL of the year. And to be spending it away from home for the 4th year now is such a sad thing. Almost dont remember the last special diwali. Chalo thn.. thots have completely dried. All I can say is Happy Diwali to all those who love and wish to be loved!!

Sunday night blues!!

And sometimes somethings penetrate the multiple layers and hit your soul directly. They move so effortlessly and seamlessly, circumvent what is not important, destroy what is but an illusion, and finally make their way to "the core". And then they make you realise so many different things. And i'd say life is richer due to such things, such moments. For it is them that make you take stock of things that you hadn't for a long time.

Random Re dux

For life moves in circles. If one just steps aside from the hustle bustle, one would see the constant flow of this gigantic, unending river. One might see waterfalls, rapids, the great plunges, the great thaws, the meandering and circling motion towards its destinations but what one would definitely also notice the sense of continuity and deja vu in its journey.

Random

He fought. Oh yes he fought a battle everyday. Life was not easy for him. It wasn't a constant chain of morning and nights, it wasn't a sequence of meaningless, monotonous days for him. He wasn't as blessed (or was it cursed) as others. Life for him was a leap of faith on a daily basis. It was a whole new game, a game in which he did not know the rules, he did know the opponents, not the challenges, not the threats. All he knew was the objective- survival. And this was something that he had known for as long as he could remember.