God damn!!

Again feel like writing something. Its been a strange day. The mood has so suddenly shifted from happy to sad. The sudden realisation of something has, like always, been too difficult to deal with. God damn is the word that is circling in my head right now!!

What I have left behind so far!!

Its one of those nights when Gahzals seem like the best gift to makind!! What pure magic there is in some of those writers, those singers!! Gosh I so wish I could create music. Really. Wouldnt it have been wonderful to play a violin or strum a guitar to push away some of the blues of life!! Anyways, as I sit or rather lie here, I get this strange urge. I want to make a list of some of those things that I have left behind as I have made this journey so far!! I want to recollect some of those things that were once a part of my being in some ways and that are now largely forgotten or vanished!! So lets see what I have left behind so far.

1. Left behind a very precious friend. As I sit here listening to a song that reminds me of him all the time, I think of him. I think of those faint images that I have in my mind. I think of those times that we spent together. I know I don't give it much thought on a daily or even a weekly, monthly basis, but boy do I miss him some times!! And I know its a possibility that we may not have been such good friends were he around till now but then still.. It was a good time that we had man!! Peace!!
2. I have left behind some or may be a lot of innocence. Now its not that I have become a world weary, battle worn cynic or something. I still can see the beauty in nature and I still can die for some of these songs!! But some where something has been left behind. May be its just growing up. Its just the nostalgia of those by gone years. Who knows!!
3. Carelessness. Yeah thats something that has definitely been left behind. Again a function of growing up I know. But it was nice to be in school and to bother about nothing more than going to school next day. Life gets more complicated doesn't it.
4. I miss the time when I was not aware of money, social status, consumerism etc etc. I know I am not one of those super ambitious or super materialistic type of a guy and that I am not bothered by my current situation but damn!! I will write something on this later for sure

Well I guess the bottom line is that everyone else I miss my childhood, my school days!! But its ok i guess. I hope that a corner of my heart will always have space for these finer emotions and memories and that as an old man, I would be able to recollect some of these things and still have that bitter sweet agony in my heart!!

Memories for a life time!!

Well my last post I guess was inspired by some of the photos that I saw while browsing through a friends FB profile. Today yet again I am writing because of the same reason. I just browsed through the photos of some random friend's friend's photos on FB. IIT Madras is where he is from. I flipped through his album and saw some expected photos; photos that all of us have.. Him and his friends at a hill station, at Goa, some random clicks from his hostel life!! And even though I don't know this guy, it was a strange sort of pleasure to go through those pics. I guess since I was not there and neither people I know, I looked at those moments in a very detached or neutral manner. All I observed were happy faces, memories of a time of their lives which they will never probably get to live again. Photos that I am sure would make them smile and their hearts ache when they see it later in their lives. And then I started thinking about my "best days". Well its a good trick that one's memory plays with one. I guess we all remember the good times much more then we remember the not so good ones. And I for one, only have fond memories of my life so far. As I was going through those pics, I started thinking about some of my past memories. The thought began with St. Lawrence. 2 years at that place and I don't remember much honestly. I don't remember most of my classmates, don't remember the teachers who taught me, don't even remember the guy who sat next to me (gosh I am suddenly so surprised!!) But what I do remember or rather the image that I do have of that time, is that of a morning in the school's ground. It is a winter morning and we are standing there basking in the sun light and having innocent smiles on our faces. The background sounds are all irrelevant, the only audible sounds are those of our laughters and bakar!! And then I start thinking some more. I think of the campus, the road to the school, the corridors.. :) :) And then the memory straight away jumps to SCMHRD. SXC is left somewhere I guess!! And what do I write about SCM. What does one write about a phase of life which one still hasn't gotten over. I sometimes wish I could just turn back time and go back to that place. I so wish I could sit on that ledge in front of the juice shop and just feel the cool wind on my face. Just sit there on those cold beautiful sunny mornings and take in all the goodness of life, all the goodness of mother earth, loose myself in those silences, click a thousand mental pictures, store the moments in some magical way!! How i wish!!

But then I realise that I don't even have the pics from that time. So many have all their memories so beautifully cataloged, photos arranged in an orderly chronological manner accompanied by small footnotes, which instantly take them back to those moments. But I don't have anything like that. Obviously I have pics but they are all here and there. I sometimes feel wouldn't it have been nice if I had been more methodical at that time. Wouldn't I have succeeded then in preserving so many more memories. But then I am strange. Sometimes I don't understand myself!!

But yes today once again I think how would I age. Would I still remember those times so fondly or would I wear out!! Would I have grown out of my child like innocence or would I always carry that sweetly aching feeling!! Would I remember the people who were there or would I move on!! But one thing is for sure.. It sure is going to be once heck of a feeling when I look back at some of those pics and revisit some of those memories in the future!!